Development Notes

Development Notes

Logline Development

We began the script writing process by creating three loglines which we could develop into longer screenplays. My loglines were:

1. A terminal cancer patient left isolated, lonely, and longing for a childhood is liberated after striking up an unusual friendship.

2. The estranged daughter of a wealthy diplomat is spiralling into an uncontrollable cocaine addiction. She needs money and fast. Then she meets, the handler.

3. Sometimes keeping things dead and buried isn’t always as it seems. How far will a lonesome undertake go to fulfil his desires.

I presented these three ideas to the class and discussed the possibilities around them. I liked all three ideas, but I preferred logline 1 and 2 as I had more ideas for those stories. But I was still torn between the two. I was aware writing child characters can be hard as they should not be written as an adult character would and they will not have the same knowledge. However, the first logline was my initial idea, so I had a more in-depth story planned out compared to logline 3.

 

First Seminar with Jane

In the first seminar with Jane, we were spilt into groups and had to pitch our loglines again. I told her all my ideas and how I would develop them further. She helped me decide that the story I write would be about the undertaker as it was a shorter story to tell within the 10-page brief.

After out discussion I realised that the story about the young boy would probably be told better over more than 10 pages as it had a bit more context and backstory which would need to be set up before the inciting incident. The story of the undertaker could be condensed due to the short amount of time an undertaker has the body before a funeral. This meant I could tell a good story and stay within the brief.

Jane also mentioned researching Rigor Mortis as if this would interfere with the story, I was trying to tell then it would become incorrect and lack verisimilitude. The audience would not be able to believe the story if it is factually incorrect. We discussed how I would have more subtle conflict within my script as the nature of the story does not allow for big instances of conflict.

We discussed how I would keep it authentic and how I have a good location to work within. As well as the concept of forging human connections due to loneliness and that I could create a good story of absence.

 

First Tutorial with Mike

Blog is well set up, clear and functional - appropriate for evidence and assessment. Use of labels to identify units will be helpful going forward. You have used Harvard referencing correctly to identify research sources and enhance academic rigour.

Your reviews are well illustrated with images and usefully combine description of story with some appropriate critical language to reveal deeper structural analysis.

Sounds like you've made a good start on your screenplay.

You've made an encouraging start to the course, with meaningful contributions to the learning community and evidence of a diligent work ethic which will serve you very well going forward.

 

Writing the Script

When writing the script, I made a few changed to my original story which I had roughly planned. I decided to use the motif of a rose bush and have it feature at the front, middle and end of the script. I wanted this to be a motif throughout due to its symbolism – of love but also secrets. This also created a cyclical structure and the protagonist destroying it at the end was reflective of the resolution.

At the beginning I thought I would struggle to reach 10 pages as the story was not fully pieced together in my plan however, when I began writing and the story began to build, I wrote 12 pages. This was too long for the brief which meant I had to cut down the story, I filtered through parts which did not move the story forward which took me down to 11 pages.

There were certain aspects of the scripts which I was uncertain about e.g., some of the dialogue and how long it took to get into the story. These I decided to keep in the first draft to get feedback on and advice on how to improve them.

 

Jane 1 to 1 Feedback on First Draft

After reading my first draft I got some good feedback from Jane on how to improve my script in the second draft. She picked up on how I wrote an older character but gave him a young age. I agree with this as when creating my character, I pictured and wrote for an older man but made him quite young in my description so this is something I will be changing in the second draft to ensure the story makes sense and creates more emotion. Jane rightly suggested that the stakes would be higher after loosing someone you’ve had for 20 years compared to 5.

She told me that my opener was good but was too long and took up too much of the script. I agreed with this as my inciting incident happens on page 4, but the midpoint is page 5. This meant I spent too long setting up the story instead of getting into it. She thinks I could cut out the first scene of the man attending the rose bush and start in the mortuary as I created a good mood with that description, and it will be more impactful.

Jane also thought that the rose bush I used as a motif and cyclical structure was a signifier the audience didn’t need so that could be removed the shorten the story. She also suggested I give more insight into how/when he realises the woman is not his wife, we discussed how this is a story point which the writer gets to tell so I can give more description on this important moment. I will be taking the advice of show don’t tell as I can remove some of the dialogue to show more of this moment. This will also be helpful in correcting my dialogue as Jane and I both agreed that the dialogue in the scene where he is breaking down about his wife is not realistic so by replacing some of this with visuals it will make the story better and more realistic.

We also discussed how I can develop my character more and to show more of the relationship he develops with the Jane Doe as this will make the story more emotional when the protagonist breaks down. We talked about asking questions like; What kind of person was he? What kind of person was his wife? What did they enjoy doing with each other? What was the relationship like? This will help develop both the character and the story.

Jane believes I can make the story creepier as it has those conventions and told me I can get away with heightened ideas as the story is a heightened idea. I will be taking all her advice on board.

 

Writing the second draft:

When writing the second draft I really tried to use the ‘show not tell’ technique to express the characters emotions. As I knew this was a better way to express the emotions of such a moving story instead of telling the audience directly as I want the story to pull on the heart strings.

I also changed the story dramatically, I decided to show more of the characters actions leading up to the revelation that this lady is not his wife as this is a way to incorporate more of the backstory. By doing this it also shows his excitement. I thought this would be a good way to move the story forward fast as I removed scenes which were not relevant. This also emphasises the loneliness that the character feels.

I also removed the motif of the rose bush as this was a signifier which was not necessary to the story, by removing this it allowed me to dig deeper into the character and the story which really helped progress the story into a deeper and more heartfelt piece.

When trying to make some of the scenes feel more realistic, I tried to reduce the amount of dialogue I used as it felt unauthentic and tried to replace these with more visual elements. When doing so this shortened my script dramatically but made it more impactful. The next step is trying to see if I can meet the 10-page brief while also having a compelling, concise, and impactful story and resolution. I have debated whether there needs to be more conflict within my script to continue to move the piece forwards however as there are only a few characters as I wanted to create a very isolated and lonely character and, due to the nature of my piece, there is not going to be overt instances of conflict but more subtle ones which I have included.

After discussing the resolution of my script with peers and Mike I have decided to remove the last scene of the script as the ending is more impactful and powerful in the scene before. I understand that this results in me not meeting the 10 pages stated in the brief however from a storytelling perspective it is more impactful. I also added more character descriptions as this was some constructive criticism I received from peers as it allowed the characters to be visualised.